God always answers our prayers. We have looked at “Yes,” “No,” and “Wait.” Now let’s look at “Grow up!”

In James 4:1–3, we read: “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don’t get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.”

This passage begins with two questions—one real, one rhetorical. The real question inquires about the source of human conflict. The rhetorical question identifies the source as “desires.” Then, subtly, the passage shifts focus from the horizontal to the vertical. The source of human conflict is also the source of our conflict with God. Sometimes, God denies our prayer requests because our “desires” reflect “wrong motives.”

The only way to resolve this conflict with God is to grow up. We must lay aside spiritual and moral adolescence and take up spiritual and moral adulthood instead. As we do so, we begin to pray with holy desires and spiritual motives, and God begins to answer our prayers with “Yes!”

How do we grow up through prayer? Paul provides a hint in Ephesians 4:22–24. He writes: “You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.” Paul outlines a three-step process for behavioral change here: (1) stop, (2) think, and (3) start. Verse 28 provides an example of this process at work: “He who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with his own hands, that he may have something to share with those in need.” Stealing is the behavior to be stopped. Working is the behavior to be started. The new way of thinking that explains this behavioral change is a commitment to personal generosity.

We can incorporate this three-step process in our prayer lives. As we pray for specific requests, we should ask God to identify wrong motives. Our prayer should be, “See if there is any offensive way in me” (Ps. 139:24). Once we have identified them, we should ask God to speak to us and show us how to think properly about the issue. If we read the Bible and pray in tandem, God will bring to mind a relevant scriptural verse or passage. Finally, we should ask God to purify our desires and mature our motives. Our prayer should be that Christ would dwell in our hearts through faith (Eph. 3:17).

Stop. Think. Start. It is a good process for behavioral change, as well as an excellent model for mature prayer.